I guess sometimes we have to admit when we have come up short. When we’ve played hard, when we’ve fought, when we’ve really put in the effort… and still find ourselves at the losers table. I’m really bad at losing things I really want. Quitting is the hardest part. Some part of my mind wants me to keep pushing. In my head, I think the results may not be in yet, that I can make a last minute effort, and if I just do everything perfectly, I’ll win. Its a sucker’s game. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I think I’m insane.

Rule number one of poker: Always throw your cards in the moment you know they can’t win. When it comes to work or women, I just can’t eat a loss. I torture myself about it and over analyze the way I played each card. In the end, I’m sure there’s some ego lesson. I only want what I can’t have, and the times when I do get it, I generally celebrate for a moment, and then move on to the next thing. When I don’t get it, I failed miserably, nothing is good in the universe, and I must learn everything I did wrong in any way to avoid anything like this failure in the future. Its mind-numbing. Its not fear, its ego. In my head, I’m either Neo from the Matrix or I’m one of the drones. Every challenge is poised upon the precipice between ultimate fulfillment or ultimate disaster. No pressure.

I’m bad at love. I need the constant push and pull, the series of advances and retreats, and the thrill of victory to stay intrigued. No one but me and crazy people want that after age 25. All I want to do is give in and let this one go. I need to let this one go. I have lost this game and I need to pull myself back into my own life. Its really no big deal from the outside, but its killing me inside. This is going to hurt, but I did it to myself and I knew what I was getting into when I did it.

I think its probably good for me to lose. I need to be taken down a peg and realize I’m not entitled to everything I want. Today, I’m trying to suck it up and move on. I’m not going to win. I’m not going to pull out a last ditch home run. I’m not going to score the winning touchdown. I’m not going to get the girl. This isn’t a movie. I’m just going to move in a different direction and let it go. Honestly, I never thought I’d end up praying to God to become a better loser someday; but, that’s just what I’m doing. Stop swinging the bat, Spew. This ball doesn’t want to be hit. God damn, though. For a second there, I really saw a pitch that I liked.

-Spew

Inflicting violence on children and justifying it with some dark ages nonsense… try to watch what it looks like when its not painted with your pretend righteousness under the guise of correction. This is attacking another human with a weapon intended to bring pain or injury. This is not love.